Sometimes you have to laugh or you will surely cry!

Little common sense is being applied to decision making by some of those we have elected.

(HARRISVILLE, N.H.) - Let us take a good look at some of the wisdom demonstrated by various state governments in the use of Stimulus fund spending during one of the worst economic downturns in the history of our country:

Alaska: The Federal Aviation Administration allocated $15 million to replace Ouzinkie Airport, which averages less than two flights a day.
Question: Did anyone bother doing a cost/benefits analysis of how long it would take to recoup that $15,000,000 at 2 flights per day?

Arizona: $1.5 million was slated to change 400 road signs from kilometers to miles. Residents in the relatively unpopulated southern corridor think the change will cause confusion.
Question: Shouldn’t it have been obvious from the start that indicating distance and speed in kilometers would cause confusion? Who decided to deviate from the national standard of measurement for the road signs in Arizona and who approved that deviation?

Researchers at the University of Arizona received $314,964 to examine what happened after the Big Bang and to develop a course in astronomy for non-astronomy majors at the University of Cape Coast in Ghana.

Question: How many American taxpayers will sleep better tonight knowing that the non-astronomy students at the University of Cape Coast in Ghana will have a better handle on astronomy?

California: The National Institute of Health received $823,200 to study the effects of a genital-washing program in Orange Farm, South Africa.

Question: Has this issue been worrying you as much as it has been worrying me? My phone bill is outrageous with all of the calls to the folks in Orange Farm, South Africa asking how their genitals were doing!

Colorado: Over a one year period, Colorado spent $247,000 on road signs to designate which construction projects were funded by the stimulus. An effort to prevent the state from posting more signs failed.

Question: How much more successful were these projects because of the quarter of a million dollars spend on these signs?

Connecticut: Perry Hill School in Shelton received $176,000 for a “green” cooling system even though renovations are $1.5 million over budget and dozens of employees, including 27 teachers, have been laid off.

Questions: Will the students attending this school get a better education now that those employees have been laid off? Was a cost/benefits analysis done to determine the payback period for the new cooling system? Who wrote the contract for the new Green Cooling system that allowed a $1.5 million budget overrun? Who approved that contract?

Florida: Florida received $3.4 million to build a tunnel for turtles to pass under a highway.

Note: I would not worry about this one because in my opinion, the state of Florida will make it mandatory for all turtles in Florida to travel with “SpeedPass” devices and will bill the turtles at a later date.

Dry Tortugas National Park received $13.3 million to repair its main above water attraction, Fort Jefferson, which is located 70 miles off shore, almost

Note: The state of Florida believes that the planned repairs to the above water portion of Fort Jefferson will lead to greatly increased foot-traffic to the fort, over the walking bridge they intend to hit the Federal Government up for during the next economic catastrophe.

Georgia: Atlanta received $47.6 million for a $72 million, 2.62-mile streetcar project in downtown. The Metropolitan Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority already covers the area.

Note: In my opinion, the state of Georgia believes that they will qualify for another Stimulus grant to study the reason for traffic congestion in downtown Atlanta, by adding streetcars to the already heavy downtown rush-hour traffic.

Hawaii: The University of Hawaii received $210,000 to study how honeybees learn.

Question: After this study, will the University of Hawaii upgrade their Statistics course for Honey Bees or will they add a “Buzz to English” communications device in every classroom and lecture hall?

Idaho: Heyburn State Park rented 540 goats, at a price tag of $4,950, for invasive weed management.

Question: Can anyone from Idaho give me directions to their “Goats ‘R us” store?

Illinois: Northwestern University received $712,883 to develop a model of machine-generated humor. The project will “create intelligent comedic performance agents and deploy them both on- and off-line for the enjoyment and illumination of everyday citizens.”

Question: What are the chances that these machines . . . once developed . . . will be installed in all limousines so the ultra-rich can laugh (at the average taxpayer) all the way to the bank?

Iowa: Iowa state legislators used $11 million to buy new cars for the state vehicle fleet even though nearly four dozen of the state’s existing cars haven’t even been used.

Note/Questions: I can see the validity of this expenditure . . . after all, who would expect someone in the Legislature to use the same car twice? That could be considered as cruel and unusual punishment by the average taxpayer couldn’t it?

Kansas: The Kansas legislature authorized $39.7 million in Build America Bonds for the statehouse renovation, which includes upgraded office space and indoor parking for Kansas politicians.

Louisiana: The city of Shreveport used $1.5 million on mold remediation for a housing complex it was considering for demolition.

Note: Of course they did . . . it would be so low-class to demolish moldy houses. Only the best for the Louisiana demolition crews!

Massachusettes: The Federal Emergency Management Agency provided a tour boat company with a $43,214 terrorism prevention grant.

Question: Was this grant approved because of the large number of tour boats that have been blown-up by terrorists in the state of Massachusettes? Gee . . . I must have missed the 6:00pm news report on that one.

Maine: $102 million in funds was used to pay down hospital debt stemming from services provided to Medicaid patients.

Maryland: $30,000 in Stimulus money has been granted to University of Maryland researchers to study the effects of methamphetamine on the sex drives of female rats.

Questions: Will the results of this study help rats to understand why they should quit making Meth? Who is dealing Meth to the rats in Maryland anyway and how did this horrific situation escape the sharp eyes of the Maryland State Police Drug Enforcement Unit?

Minnesota: The city of Eagan matched a $1.34 million award for a ground source heat pump system, which will serve the ice rink in the city’s civic arena.

Note: Could this be justification for a second Stimulus grant for a chiller to freeze the water in the ice rink after it melts thanks to the ground source heat pump? Hey . . . as long as our tax dollars are being spent wisely!

Missouri: The scientists at the University of Missouri received $180,935 to develop freezing protocols for epididymal rat sperm.

Note: The proper preservation of rat sperm should be uppermost on every taxpayer’s mind . . . especially considering our trashed economy!

Montana: $260,112 went to New York artist Jason Middlebrook to construct a public sculpture outside a not-yet-built federal courthouse in Billings, Montana.

Note: Without that sculpture, someone might forget where they were supposed to build the new federal courthouse . . . if and when they ever decide to build one!

Nebraska: $7 million in funds is being used to build a bridge in Thedford, a town of 168 residents, to help avoid a 30 second wait at a local train crossing.

Question: I wonder how many of those 168 residents criticized Alaska for their bridge to nowhere?

Nevada: $2 million went to a fire station, which doesn’t actually have any firefighters.

Note: You just never know when a mob of itinerant firefighters will wander into town looking for a fire station to call home.

New Hampshire: $150,045 was used to preserve and resurface a bridge built in 1860 that doesn’t connect to any roads and ends with an eight-foot dropoff.

Note: My guess is that it was intended to be used as a lawn ornament at Governor Lynch’s house but they couldn’t figure out how to move the dropoff!

New Mexico: $212 million will be used to finance a demolition project at the Alamos National Laboratory.

Question: What are they going to demolish . . . the giant hole in the desert left by the nuclear testing?

North Carolina: The University of North Carolina at Charlotte received $762,372 to create a program called “Dance Draw” where UNCC dance students wear wireless computer mice on their chests and wrists to “draw” abstract geometric shapes on computers.

Note: I’m glad they didn’t waste that kind of money doing something stupid like feeding the poor or sheltering the homeless.

North Dakota: The Audubon National Wildlife refuge received $6.1 million to build a new administration and visitor center. The refuge averages 80 visitors a day.

Note: Let’s see: 80 visitors per day or 8 visitors per hour . . . yep, a slightly oversized outhouse would have handled the load quite well for about 1/100^th of 1 % of the cost.

Ohio: Cincinnati’s John Weld Peck Federal Building received $34 million for a“window makeover.”

Note: I for one am very glad they didn’t go with the expensive curtains!

Oklahoma: The town of Boynton was given $89,298 to replace a quarter-mile stretch of sidewalk that was replaced only five years ago.

Note: Hey . . . sidewalk styles change! Frilly sidewalks are in this year. You wouldn’t want Boynton to be considered gauche would you?

Oregon: Portland spent $900,000 on new bike signs, despite having similar signs already in place.

Note: There is a possibility that having side-by-side bike signs will reduce drinking and driving. If I thought I was having double vision I might even be tempted to give-up driving!

South Dakota: Gavins Point National Fish Hatchery received $20,000 to be spent, in part, on a new freezer to store fish sperm.

Note: Wow . . . I remember the last fish sperm shortage. Wasn’t it during the great Salmon Viagra blockade?

Tennessee: $38.6 million in Stimulus funds were spent on a construction project on Highway 66. This project forced businesses to lay off workers and trim operating hours. Rubble and concrete barricades from the project were blocking business doors.

Washington: The Puget Sound Regional Council spent $260,000 building a pedestrian bridge across the North Creek, just 20 paces from an existing sidewalk that crosses the river.

Note: Yeah but at 20 paces twice per day . . . why you could save a pair of shoes every 43 years or so . . . money well spent!

Were my questions and notes absurd? Absolutely they were but no more absurd than some of the decisions made by politicians during one of the most difficult times for many Americans in two or three generations. These are just some of the ridiculous expenditures made with Stimulus funds folks. While I hope this piece brought a smile to your face or laughter to your heart, I also hope it clearly pointed-out how little common sense is being applied to decision making by some of those we have elected. Just please stay alert for anyone dealing Meth to rats and by all means let’s avoid another Great Salmon Viagra blockade. Everyone needs a smile sometime . . . but, that is just my opinion!