Asperger's Syndrome Wives Need Understanding

Those who stay in a relationship with an Asperger’s-afflicted mate should do everything possible to be independent socially and financially.

Courtesy: kentkarateschools.co.uk

(BOSTON, Mass.) - Asperger's Syndrome is a neurological disorder considered as high-functioning autism. Individuals with this syndrome have difficulty with social aspects of intelligence. This manifests itself as a notable lack of "common sense."

The presence of Asperger in children is getting more attention now, but the undiagnosed adult is not yet well recognized. Because these types of brain disorders seem to be more common in men, many times wives have trouble getting the support they need.

The shortcomings of adults with Asperger’s Syndrome have been camouflaged beneath layers of coping strategies and defense mechanisms. Their behavior often gives the impression of someone perhaps a little eccentric or odd - but passable because of their high or gift in an area or career, such as engineering.

Life with an AS spouse is very isolating. Since the AS person in public often appears normal, others do not understand the spouse's suffering. Spouses of people with Asperger Syndrome play an abnormally large caregiver role. Even when AS people are successful professionals, their families cannot rely on them to participate fully in family life since they typically don't do their share of chores or provide emotional support to other family members.

Although people with Asperger’s Syndrome do feel affection towards others, relationships are not a priority for them in the same way that it is for people who do not have Asperger’s Syndrome. People with Asperger’s Syndrome generally seem to be more focused on a particular interest, project or task than on the people around them.

Because the person with Asperger’s Syndrome does not have the same relational needs as the non-Asperger partner, he or she is mostly unable to recognize instinctively or to meet the emotional needs of his or her partner. Marriages can thus form seriously dysfunctional relationship patterns.

The denial, the complex and multi-layered coping mechanisms and defensive strategies make it difficult to live successfully in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s Syndrome. Often the afflicted will deny there is a problem, since one of the disorder's main characteristics is the lack of ability to imagine someone else's point of view.

People who do not have Asperger’s Syndrome enter a marriage with the normal expectation that the priority of a marriage relationship will be about togetherness, mutual terms and meeting of needs, but in reality the relationship ends up being more one of practicality and convenience for the person with Asperger’s Syndrome than for the loving and meeting of emotional needs of the marital partner.

In many cases, the Asperger partner analyzed the partner prior to marriage and assessed them as being capable of filling a compensatory role for his own deficits. The non-Asperger partner then unwittingly fills the role of personal assistant. In the privacy of their relationship, the spouse who does not have Asperger’s Syndrome will more than likely be physically and emotionally drained, working overtime to keep life on track for both of them. Perhaps the relationship has taken on more of the characteristics of a business partnership or arrangement.

For those who had normal expectations of the mutuality of marriage, there will be a sense of betrayal and a feeling of being used and trapped. Instinctively they know that their partner needs them, but feelings develop that the relationship is about the needs and interests of the person with Asperger’s Syndrome and that there is not even room for their own voice.

Many partners feel that they are daily sacrificing their own sense of self to help fulfill the priorities of the partner who has Asperger’s Syndrome. They begin to feel that they are entirely defined by the role they fill for their Asperger partner. There’s a sense that there is no mutuality, no equality, no justice.

People married to someone with Asperger’s Syndrome continue to hope for the mutual meeting of emotional needs within the marriage and resent the reality of living on terms dictated by the needs and priorities of the partner with Asperger’s Syndrome. In effect, their flexibility is exploited by the inflexibility of the person with Asperger’s Syndrome. This prompts an extremely manipulative behavior pattern, with the neurologically typical spouse going overboard to prevent stress. Living with someone who sees only his or her own viewpoint cannot help but damage a spouse's self-esteem.

The neurotypical spouse must thoroughly evaluate all the issues before deciding if there is enough of value to make continuing the relationship worthwhile. Those who stay in a relationship with an Asperger’s-afflicted mate should do everything possible to be independent socially and financially. In most cases, the afflicted spouse will not be able to make substantial changes, so the neurotypical spouse must be able to accept that. Knowing what to expect will make the marriage more predictable and manageable, if not easier.

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Karin Maria Friedemann is a Boston-based writer on Middle East affairs and US politics. She is Director of the Division on Muslim Civil Rights and Liberties for the National Association of Muslim American Women. Karin is editor of World View News Service: groups.yahoo.com/group/wvns/ and an op ed columnist for the Khaleej Times (Dubai). She blogs at: karinfriedemann.blogspot.com and mariahussain.wordpress.com.

She enjoys writing about Jewish and Middle East affairs and her occasionally outrageous personal advice column "Ask Maria." She has written for the Muslim Observer, Islamic Horizons and the Message magazine on local politics, the halal meat industry and women's issues. You can email Karin at this address: togethertalk@hotmail.com

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Me and my ex boyfriend had been going out for two months (I am a girl btw). One of us was an Aspie, and one of us was neurotypical. For the first month of our relationship, my ex was extremely attentive and touchy-feely; he bought me gifts and fed me lines like "your eyes are so beautiful". Suddenly, about a month and a half into the relationship, he stopped being so warm, and started avoiding me. When I asked him what was up, he said he had issues, and needed time to work them out. So I gave him time. Eventually, after a few weeks of being in limbo (during which time, we sat next to each other on the bus and he acted like we had already broken up!), I decided to call him and find out what his deal was. I tried to be as diplomatic as possible: I said to him "I could be wrong, but it feels like you are avoiding me". As it turns out, he was interested in another girl. The gist of his message: he was just keeping me around until he had success with this girl. Naturally, I dumped him. He went on to post a series of poems on the internet blaming ME for all our relationship woes; he just couldn't face the fact that he had his fair share of blame. Me? I admitted to myself what I might have done wrong in our relationship, but realized that he had his problems too, and it was really better that we had broken up. Want to hear something REALLY interesting now? I was the one with Aspergers; he was the "normal" one. I guess it goes to show that some people with Aspergers can try hard to be flexible and understanding (even if it is supposedly not one of their natural abilities) and that some NT's can't "imagine someone else's point of view".

First off, I am an 18 year old Aspie who still functions rather "normally" and in relationships I typically care more about my partners needs then my own. In fact, I derive pleasure from fulfilling their need. I admit that I may be quirky at times and have trouble telling what's on their mind but still, the picture painted in this story is grossly inaccurate for many, like me.

Also, Arama, I have two close friends who, as children, were diagnosed with Asperger's and had loving, understanding parents who did their best to raise them but they still lacked certain functionality skills. However, I was raised unaware of the fact that I had AS with a step-father who, on occasion, strangled me half to death and a drunk mother who didn't believe me about it and did everything to help me in school and such except for listening to me or asking for my opinion on the matter, although I function at a very functional level (Some of the AS covered up with humor) and find little difficulties in social interaction, though it took some time to get to this point.

This piece is the worst kind of inaccurate. It sprinkles truth and falsehood together making the opinions sound more plausible. But how can you tell if it is bigotry? To determine if any (opinion-based, not fact-based) article is bigoted, simply replace any reference to AS with "Muslim, Black, Elderly, etc" (as appropriate to your own ingroup membership) and re-read the article. This opinion-based piece qualifies as offensive to me. Ultimately, ask yourself what purpose this article serves. If anyone is having troubles, they "need understanding" so what is the point here? Why single out AS men as the bad guys? Because they are easier, less controversial targets and because writing a piece titled “people with troubles need understanding” does not garner wide readership. We call this behavior “bullying”.

Wow. Just about everyone seems really defensive... Yeah, she's pretty harsh. But my marriage has been no cake walk. Nearly 30 years and 2 children. Several separations. Husband is a work-aholic, ASP engineer. Never doubted he loved me. Most of the time, I loved him too. But it was never easy. Our salvation has been that we are both very independent, have separated several times to take a break and sometimes take jobs in different places even when we are getting along. Maybe she is writing about extreme cases like mine because my children and I read this and felt like she'd been spying on us! I'm really happy to hear that some relationships seem to be easier. I have a friend with an ASP son who will be happy to read that too. She worries about his ability to maintain a relationship as well. After many tough years, my husband and I are kinder and more loving to each other than we have ever been. But it has taken a long time.

Thank you for this article. It completely describes my life. I could give you reams of information and experiences that are only explained by Asperger's.

rainbow, I bet the author does know an aspie - probably one aspie, and probably sympathizes heavily with his wife (cuz aspies are all male, right?) Remember what you are reading. The "relationship article" thrives on cheap insulting stereotypes, so that the author can offer condescending advice on how to survive being in a relationship with someone of "that" sex/faith/nationality/whatever.

It seems as though some people want people to be all the same. Why not nitpick about the various quirks of foreigners next, how much wives of foreigners suffer? Or wives of guys who to watch sports on TV for hours? Or wives of guys who fuss over their sports cars too much? Why single out aspy men?

This articleis very ignorant of the realities of living with a peron with AS.As the parent of two aspieteenagers I can tell you that they are loving and giving.They are also hard workign honest and woutld be a faithful partner. They will one day make someone a wonderful spouse. They are also quite intelligent with genius IQs. I suggest next time the author attempts to write about a subject she actually learn something about it first. It might maker her more reputable, but that takes effort and this article is totally devoid of any real thought or effort.

Xochipala, Marriage counselling won't help you. You need to remove the mercury from your brain so you can recover from Asperger's and enjoy mental health.

"In many cases, the Asperger partner analyzed the partner prior to marriage and assessed them as being capable of filling a compensatory role for his own deficits. The non-Asperger partner then unwittingly fills the role of personal assistant." I was nodding along until I hit this line. Good grief! I don't know what your husband did to you, but I do know that when I entered my marriage to my NT husband, I had no intention of having him fill my deficits -- I thought he was a cool guy and that we were pretty much on the same wavelength. I was, as another poster has commented, shocked to hear some years into our marriage that I was cold and he didn't think I was capable of loving anyone. I thought I was expressing myself and my feelings for him very well. And, yes, it took me years to get to the point that I realized he wasn't just being mean when he said this, but I do get it. Yes, there were some communication issues, but I think a lot of them would have been avoided if we had really taken the time to get to know each other better before marriage. I also firmly believe that if he had agreed to even try marriage counseling at the time, we would have been able to overcome the communication problems and would have been together for a much longer time. After twelve years apart, I still love him deeply. While I agree that the plight of an NT spouse can be difficult, please don't downplay their responsibility to seek assistance and to let their AS partner know as clearly as possible what the problem really is -- specifically, not just in blanket generalizations. Otherwise, you're committing the same offense of which you are charging the AS spouse -- expecting them to be unconditionally supportive without being sensitive to their needs as well.

It's obvious that an article like this would never have seen the light of day if the target of its ugly stereotypes had been some other minority group. Shame on you for printing it, Salem News.

'probably 80% of children and teens diagnosed with Asperger's does in reality have an iq of 75-90' Cynic: Seriously, that's not right! Cite your source! There are many very good books on the subject, often available at libraries - try one of Tony Attwood's.

Karin, It seems all of the nuts who want to celebrate being mentally ill with Asperger's found you. It's now possible to cure these people by chelating the mercury out of their brains. Instead of putting up with them, we really should lock them up and cure them for their own good.

I have Asperger's. So does my husband (both diagnosed by reputable professionals). Neither of us is perishing from lack of the other's love (actually we can get kind of gooey in private, lol). I wouldn't trade him for anything and I know he feels the same way. We are a team. We are not perfect and we both have fairly serious disability-related issues, so we take on tasks based on our strengths--I do what I do better, and he does what he does better, and when we both suck equally, we divide the task! Incidentally, since people are posting their IQ scores in order to refute the idiot above who thinks most aspies score in the 75-90 range, ours are in the 130's. I have a master's degree. To readers: If you're just coming to an awareness of Asperger's, please read other material and talk to real aspies and professionals and take the above article with-- well, I'll say "a grain of salt" and hope you know I actually mean "the Dead Sea." I know a lot of other aspies, including many in marriages and other loving partnerships. Aspies who are aware of AS and what it means in their own lives, and committed to creating positive relationships, are very often capable of doing so, and like my husband, their unswerving loyalty often exceeds that of many "neurotypicals."

Darcy. probably 80% of children and teens diagnosed with Asperger's does in reality have an iq of 75-90. It's for some reason regarded as more "humane" to tell them that they are Autistic than learning disabled!

Perhaps the writer sounds a bit harsh, but that may be because the "other half" aspect has really not come into the public view yet. I know many and am also one of those NT partners in a state of despair. The unique Aspie traits were fine when we weren't raising children and there weren't added stressors of finances and health. But good relational and communication skills in parents are key to raising children and not burning out. Also, the self awareness of a person with Asperger's seems to be huge in the success of their close relationships. If the AS partner is in denial, the NT partner really has no clear path to communication. This is also very hard on children. It is important to remember that every person with AS is different and some people with AS have symptoms that vary a lot in intensity. Also, many NT people who are attracted to an AS person will have some traits themselves. There's a reason it is one of the spectrum disorders. Early intervention and self awareness can make all the difference, as well as the NT partner understanding how Aspergers affects their loved one. I love my Aspie friends and family, and I see how much better families do when there is self-awareness and compassionate adjustments for both ways of thinking, feeling, and relating to the world. Well trained help and mentoring in relational communications is sorely needed and nearly non-existent. Children with Asperger's who are growing up with this kind of help seem to be doing extremely well. They can learn enough NT relational skills to do just about any kind of work, but get to retain and build on their AS gifts.

Such irony in this one sided view of people with a "lack of ability to imagine someone else's point of view." You might want to read about "Cassandra Syndrome" and how it's generally viewed. Also, please educate yourself on AS and other things such as Alexithymia. Where this article succeeds: Yes, these people were upset. Yes, their partners appeared to have these attitudes, actions, opinions, and ideas that they found hurtful. Yes, these people needed someone to talk to. To tell them this: Where this article fails: 1)As with any massive generalization, it is bound to be incorrect on many levels and fail if not offend. Clearly, not all people with AS show these symptoms. It's also been mentioned these issues are also present in some NT relationships. 2)There is a presumption that the "AS partner" is aware of how they are appearing, and that they don't care to work toward mutually understood expressions of affection if presented with the need. There is NO representation of the viewpoint of someone portrayed here, who might very well be stunned at best to learn he or she is thought of in this way. 3)It is fairly clear that most of these issues stem from the arrogant assumption that there is only one way to view emotions and relationships and the second ignorant assumption that all people with AS behave this way. 4)Asking the wrong people. The group of "wives" or other "mistreated" people here are only "victims" of their own inability to effectively communicate needs or understand ideas outside of their own experience. If they were willing to put any work into their relationship like they are demanding of their "AS partner," they would have developed a working language and system of showing affection that both partners understood. The only leverage here is that for someone who has never encountered someone like that before, it can be disconcerting and confusing. But where is the logic in letting someone cause you to doubt everything you are just because they're not who you hoped they'd be? Sometimes it's just a matter of having that pointed out to you. Such as for some, approval of a partner is just a given. "I'm with you, therefore I approve of you." Striking a balance of healthy (as in not constant) reassurance and positive sense of self is important. It's a two way street. Communicate, communicate, communicate. If something is wrong, find a way to explain why it hurt you. Do it right then. Don't just hold onto it, pretend it will go away, or try to change the other person. If there's going to be an impasse, sooner is better than later to find out. Which brings me to: 5.)If these people discovered over the course of their relationship that their partner was unable or unwilling for whatever reason to establish the needed or expected emotional bonds and communication, we have to remember these people chose to continue those relationships and "take the abuse" as it were. If you are unwilling to try to understand where your partner is coming from on anything in your lives, then you have problems at the very foundation that flowery speech and chocolates won't fix. That applies in both directions. If you do understand, but need something, anything your partner can never offer, be it poetry or 3 hours of silence every day...continuing the relationship does not constitute your right to demonize them or any condition they may have.

"Living with someone who sees only his or her own viewpoint cannot help but damage a spouse's self-esteem." If so, I hope the spouse who inspired this personal-rant-parading-as-an-objective-statement was able to free himself from this relationship and salvage his self-esteem. I see no attempt whatsoever on the part of the writer to understand Asperger's syndrome or the people with it; only a lot of personal venting, assumptions, generalizations and bigotry. To call this journalism is ridiculous.

I am a 51-year-old with Aspergers Syndrome (and an IQ in the 160s, thank you very much), and have been happily and successfully married for 20+ years. I would suggest that most declarations that apply to ALL people of some class are inherently biased and offensive (i.e. "Even when XYZ are successful professionals, their families cannot rely on them to participate fully in family life"). Replace XYZ with "Black" or "Jewish" or "Women" and you will see how offensive such statements can be. If the writer's goal is to make a rational case to objective readers, I would counsel her to use verified numbers and quote sources, i.e. "According to a study published by ABC Foundation, the families of two-thirds of people with AS agreed that they 'cannot count on the AS person to participate fully in family affairs.'" That would allow her message to be conveyed more effectively; using unverified anecdotal evidence and absolute statements just makes many readers respond negatively and, hence, stop listening. Of course, if the writer's goal is to make an emotional argument, empty of any objective content, addressed to those who are already convinced of her thesis, then she has chosen an appropriate tone.

My AS dad and NT mum have their differences, and they do fight some times, but it's definitely a two way thing. She misses his emotional needs as much as he misses hers, but when they actually communicate they both still care and try. Also despite their differences they make a great team. My dad is our protector, he makes sure we're physically safe and financially secure. He may not do housework, but his role is important too. Incidentally, Cynic, his IQ is 129. I have AS too and mine is 157. I think your source might be inaccurate.

You don't know what Asperger's is. I don't know why you would write something so hateful, we have enough problems. I would never want to marry someone who thought of me as a burden, and even if I did, I'm sure they would notice I have Asperger's before we got married! (Cynic, Asperger's is not related to intellectual disabilities. Asperger's people do sometimes get mildly retarded IQ scores in certain areas. This is because of issues with common sense and spatial understanding that affect our ability to take that kind of test. But in other areas, we have normal IQs.)

This is the most stereotyped article full of misleading and horrible bigotry that I have ever read. There are people in relationships with Aspies who have none of these problems and people in relationships with NTs who have all of these problems. I don't really understand what message you were trying to get across by writing this article.

This is extremely offensive. Ms. Friedmann has taken a personal grudge and made it public in a way that is irresponsible and defamatory towards a larger group of people. We can't even be certain this individual has Asperger's. (She appears to have "diagnosed" him, herself). I do have Asperger's. I did not break Ms. Friedmann's heart and I don't deserve her wrath.

I'm the AS partner in my relationship, and my partner and I discuss our strengths and weaknesses and work to compensate for them. I do most of the cleaning and decorating because I like an ordered space, and my partner does a lot of the phone calls. When we want to tackle something new, my partner sends me off to do the meticulous research that I love and he hates - and then we can make an informed decision together. Assumptions and false expectations kill relationships, not AS. Your advice ("not worth it!") does nothing to provide hope or help create a positive environment for working out these differences. Most AS people don't want to hurt their partners, and would gladly work to make things work better. The key is communicating that, and not assuming that the AS partner doesn't care.

Ms. Friedmann, you seem to claim a relationship with someone with AS is not worth the trouble. I'm not sure a relationship with someone who holds such smug, uncritical and ignorant views as yours is worth the trouble either. Casting people with AS as Bluebeards doesn't help the issue.

This article is full of bigotry and stereotyping. It does not reflect the realities of Asperger's Syndrome. My husband has AS and not one thing in this article is true of him.

My neurotypical, lesbian partner finds this article bizarrely out of touch with the reality of ASD/neurotypical relationships, and I'm inclined to agree with her. It seems like it's based more around stereotypes and expected behaviors than anything. As a person with this very condition, I don't find it difficult to place a priority on my relationships, and while I've certainly known Aspies (including myself) with troubled relationship history, there were plenty of other problems present as well. Given that the odds of a neurotypical-neurotypical relationship working out are fairly chancy to begin with, is it really responsible to go spreading misinformation like this?

I think the author of this article has not, in fact, met anyone who has Asperger's Syndrome. If she had, she would not be perpetuating these harmful stereotypes of people who have AS. I'm sure my partner would be thrilled to know that I am in our relationship only for convenience and practicality and that I don't find our relationship to be a priority.

Asperger's does not exist. Most people with this "diagnosis" are actually people with a 75-90 iq. It's just regarded as "better" to diagnose them as "Autistic" than learning disabled. There are many selfish and pathetic women who after a tought divorce or breakup "diagnose" a man they now hate as having Asperger's. Please stop this.

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