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Dec-16-2013 00:27printcomments

The Pope's Nose For News And The Ascension of Charlie (Rose)

While the voices in South Africa paying homage to Nelson Mandela had scarcely fallen silent, while Edward Snowden was still trying to figure out Moscow's transit system, and while the Nobel Committee in Oslo was called into emergency session, the word went forth...

Charlie Rose
Charlie Rose

(DAYTONA BEACH) - Editor's Note - Two days ago, a puff of white smoke emerged from the top of the Time Life building on the Avenue of The Americas in Manhattan, and the world went delirious with joy. While the voices in South Africa paying homage to Nelson Mandela had scarcely fallen silent, while Edward Snowden was still trying to figure out Moscow's transit system, and while the Nobel Committee in Oslo was called into emergency session, the word went forth: Nancy Gibbs, Time's managing editor, became the world's most famous media midwife with the coronation of the most humble Pope in 1700 years as the Magazine's Parson (make that Person) Of The Year.

Days earlier, a normally taciturn Charlie Rose had hosted the gushy Ms Gibbs at his famous table ronde, where the two of them outdid each other in a sort of verbal orgasmic pas de deux over the Argentinian Oracle, the Jesuit Sub-Jesus, the Prince of Poverty, who is busy turning the Vatican into a haven for the humble. Now, eager to extend a good news cycle when they saw one, the pundits at PBS first announced that Charlie Rose would interview the Pope himself, but then quickly amended that breakthrough idea to an even greater boffo - having Pope Francis interview Charlie Rose.

And to give this coup the ring of unbiased objectivity, Nancy Gibbs was to be included, even though she's a Presbyterian. The only thing missing in this collegial balancing act was the President of Fordham University, (usually a favorite of Charlie's) the editor of Catholic Weekly and a chorus of pushy progressive Sisters of Charity.

A transcript of that interview follows, made possible by The Coca Cola Company, its principal shareholder Warren Buffet, and viewers like you..

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Pope Francis: Welcome to this humble table here at the Motel 6 adjacent to the former Vatican, because I'm converting the Papal Palace into a free farmer's market for the world's hungry. Of course, atheists are also welcome, because who am I to judge?

Charlie (rising): Thank you for having us, Your Holiness.

Nancy: Me, too, Holy Father.

Pope: Actually, I am holy, all right, but I strive to be humbly holy. You can call me Jorge, if you raise your hand first.

Nancy: Is that pronounced like "Whore-hey?" I took Portugese at Oxford, but with a British accent you never know.

Pope: Yes, and it stood me in good stead when I was a mendicant Archbishop washing the feet of the poor in the nether reaches of B.A.

Charlie: (raising eyebrows) Because?


Pope: Some of those peasants' feet were pretty gamey, so I'd often wear gloves. Although it's best to pretend that you're just one of the boys.

Charlie: Well, this is a real honor, Whore-hey, but of course I've interviewed most of the crowned heads of Europe.

Pope: I guess you could call me a crowned head. I have a cardboard one I put together, but I really prefer my humble yarmulka, except on state occasions.

Nancy: Of course you deserve a crown, Whore-hey. You're the constitutional Head of a city state, and thereby have diplomatic immunity, because Benito Mussolini said so in 1929.

Pope: Yes he did, although I wasn't around then. I've always been impressed that his grateful countrymen honored him with a sort of elevating ceremony, not unlike Our Lord on the Cross. I'm thinking of nominating Il Duce for sainthood. We've never had a St. Benito, and besides, when he brought responsible government to Ethiopia, he used to go out among the poor and wash their feet. That's where I got the idea. And in Ethiopia peasants' feet get pretty rank, especially in July.

Charlie: Can we talk about your views on women in the Church?

Pope: I thought I was doing the interviewing here. I wanted to know about your recent conversation with Arnold Palmer. Ever since I was a humble bishop I've had trouble with my backswing. Not to mention my short game

Nancy: I think Arnold's been on our cover at some time or other.

Pope: I will answer your question, however, Charlie. While I can't depart from centuries of Papal protocol, I can tell you that the era of the subjection of women is a thing of the past. The Church needs what I've called the necessity of "the feminine genius," a stronger presence of women in the church, as long as they don't get too uppity, like those American nuns that go around in slacks and cardigan sweaters.. You know, many of our churches today are still not employing women to sell turkey raffle tickets, that sort of thing.


Charlie (raising his eyebrows): Because?

Pope: For too long women's equality has been summed up by exclusion from the priest thing. Celibacy is not all that it's cracked up to be. As Milton said: "They also serve who only wait on tables."

Nancy: I never thought of that. And speaking of the priesthood, I understand you've taken bold new steps concerning priestly abuses and the Crimen Sollicitationis.

Pope: What's that?

Nancy: Well, I learned about it at Oxford. According to your predecessor Pope Benedict, if a bishop fails to cover up a priestly rape case, he falls out of favor with the Holy See, and may even be ex-communicated.

Pope: Did I say that? Well, it's true of course. I just believe that we can take care of those isolated cases internally. What happens in the confessional stays in the confessional sort of thing. And it's not necessary to talk about these things all the time. But I will say that the altar boy business has been blown all out of proportion by the left wing media and a few sore-heads. I'm all in favor of priests taking young boys under their wing. Like the Big Brother organization. I always had a Little Brother in Buenos Aires.

Charlie (raises eyebrows): Because?

Pope: He used to wash MY feet. Great experience for a boy. But I'd rather ask you, Charlie: in your interviews with rock stars, what do I have in common with them?

Charlie: Well the obvious common ground is your relaxed approach. Giving up the red loafers was a real gem. Those clunky black ankle boots of yours send a real message, something like Goo-Goo Dolls or Blue Rodeo. My only suggestion would be that you try a three-day growth of beard and maybe wearing a ball cap occasionally in place of that beanie.

Pope: I've thought of that. The Curia doesn't see it my way, but balancing that three-foot hat on my head is really too much, particularly when I'm trying to pass as incognito walking around on Skid Row..


Nancy: In my editorial about your choice as Person of The Year, I said you "haven't changed the words but you've changed the music."

Pope: Exactly. When I was an undergraduate at the seminary, my day job was bouncer in a nightclub, and I got pretty good on the acoustic guitar. But that doesn't alter the Church's basic teachings. On abortion for example. If I kiss the feet of an unwed mother, that doesn't mean she can pull anything immoral. Besides, our good Sisters will place the child somewhere that will be profitable for all concerned, especially the Vatican Bank, which gets all the proceeds, eventually.

Charlie: I understand that your view on "the idolatry of money" has shocked the cardinals running the Vatican Bank.

Pope: I leave those matters to the ones who know better. The Vatican Bank devotes its resources to pious and charitable works. It's got a lot of bad publicity lately because JPMorgan Chase said it wasn't transparent. I think it's as transparent as the Holy See, and you can certainly see through it. Although on one occasion recently I made a visit to Sicily and washed the feet of a poor family - the Gambinis - who had just migrated from America. They made some joke about "laundering" but they are gentle folk and have simple values.

Nancy: How do you differ from your predecessor Pope Emeritus Benedict?

Pope: We are quite unlike. I suggested that he reduce his Peter's Pence stipend by one third from the $200 million he receives annually, as a result of a once-a-year assessment in America. He could contribute that amount toward the Pope Benedict Library that he's opening in Tampa, Florida. Emeritus Benedictus is independently wealthy from his German war bonds. They've expired, but they have speculative value as collector's items. I don't need any revenue, living here in the St. Peter's Square Motel 6.

Charlie (raises eyebrows): Because?

Pope: I can live frugally off my residuals from the Junta in Argentina. I have a hot plate on which I prepare my own humble tacos and refried beans. In fact, I was just going to warm it up. Could I offer you some? I'll go easy on the jalipenos.

Charlie and Nancy together: Thank you, no, Whore-hey.. We have a plane to catch.

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Bill Annett grew up a writing brat; his father, Ross Annett, at a time when Scott Fitzgerald and P.G. Wodehouse were regular contributors, wrote the longest series of short stories in the Saturday Evening Post's history, with the sole exception of the unsinkable Tugboat Annie.

At 18, Bill's first short story was included in the anthology “Canadian Short Stories.” Alarmed, his father enrolled Bill in law school in Manitoba to ensure his going straight. For a time, it worked, although Bill did an arabesque into an English major, followed, logically, by corporation finance, investment banking and business administration at NYU and the Wharton School. He added G.I. education in the Army's CID at Fort Dix, New Jersey during the Korean altercation.

He also contributed to The American Banker and Venture in New York, INC. in Boston, the International Mining Journal in London, Hong Kong Business, Financial Times and Financial Post in Toronto.

Bill has written six books, including a page-turner on mutual funds, a send-up on the securities industry, three corporate histories and a novel, the latter no doubt inspired by his current occupation in Daytona Beach as a law-abiding beach comber.

You can write to Bill Annett at this address: bilko23@gmail.com

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Bill Annett December 17, 2013 2:33 am (Pacific time)

You're a little deranged, Justin.If you can't see the humor in two media giants gushing over an international criminal posing as St. Francis of Assissi, then I'm afraid you're the one who is bitter. Along, of course, with the thousands of victims of this evil empire who have no other recourse than to be bitter.


Justin December 16, 2013 10:36 am (Pacific time)

The author is bitter. Would not read again.

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